It's possible that many straight people have overheard a conversation between gay folks and may have heard us mention our "gay card". More than likely, it was in the context of having it revoked, probably as a result of having admitted that we have no talent at flower arranging, or incorrectly identifying Barbara Stanwyck as one of the stars of "Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte". You may be confused as to what our "gay card" is. Allow me to explain.
Over the years, you may have heard the Religious Right and other opponents of equality for sexual minorities refer to the "Gay Agenda". Gay people have always vigorously denied the existence of such a thing, much as Jewish people have always denied the existence of the immense "Zionist Conspiracy" proclaimed by anti-Semites and Fascists over the centuries.
The thing is, we've been lying about it. There is indeed a vast underground network of gay people all over the world, and membership is mandatory, sort of like joining the Union when you get a job at Stop & Shop. The very first time a gay person has sex with someone of the same gender, they are issued a temporary I.D. card, usually by their partner, until a more permanent one can be issued at one of the compulsory meetings. Or, people who are gay but don't have access to an actual partner or gay friend, or folks who live in rural or remote areas, have for years been able to apply for a card by mail by returning a subscription card from an issue of "GQ" magazine.
For centuries, we have been meeting in secret, determining our "Agenda" and crafting devious yet amusing ways to implement it. Unfortunately, for many years, gay people were just as illiterate and uneducated as everyone else. That meant that we were filled with self-loathing, and our "Agenda" seems to have been to get ourselves beat up, ostracized, and murdered, and we were pretty darn successful at it.
With the Age of Enlightenment, we became enlightened along with everyone else. We began to realize that we could get out from under the oppressive thumb of the Church and began to think about ways to actually improve our lives. Of course, there was always a great deal of in-fighting, mostly from the many priests, bishops, cardinals, popes, and so forth, who were actually gay themselves. Rome had provided them with big hats and pretty dresses and comfortable lives and they saw no reason to change the status quo. These are battles which have continued to this very day.
The years, the decades, and the centuries passed. All the while, we worked tirelessly to further our Agenda. The big issues, things like acceptance and equality, were hard won, but nevertheless the fights were continuously being fought through the years, behind the scenes, and without fanfare.
But the Agenda also encompassed the frivolous, the trivial, the purely aesthetic. We have had many successes in this regard: we've kept women's hemlines rising and falling arbitrarily since the Renaissance, strictly for amusement; and we managed to keep wigs for men around for over three centuries. We had our share of failures, as well, such as late 18th-century France, when despite all of our efforts, it was somehow decided that high heels were actually going to be for women.
Things really started moving for us in the last quarter of the 1800s, though. We elected Oscar Wilde as Queen of the World at our annual meeting in 1890. We partnered with our Lesbian sisters to eliminate the corset before World War I. Gay people actually took over Hollywood in 1939. We got Eleanor Roosevelt into the White House. We began to make ourselves visible to the masses, with Liberace in the 1950s; "Lost in Space's" Dr. Zachary Smith in the 1960s; and finally, with Billy Crystal's character on "Soap" in the 1970s, a gay character who was neither closeted, a drag queen, or a sociopath.
Contrary to popular belief, the Gay Agenda has never included "converting", or "recruiting" new members. Not that we're above such things, actually, but to be honest we've never had any trouble filling out the ranks. So, even if there is a "Gay Agenda", it still does not justify any argument against gay people teaching, preaching, adopting, showering in the same room, or leading a den of Cub Scouts.
In recent years, of course, we have made tremendous strides in advancing the Agenda. In America, the Supreme Court's recent decision to recognize gay marriage across the country concludes one of our longest and most difficult efforts. We've managed to make ourselves normal, almost unremarkable. We are as common a sight in America's suburbs as gazing balls and lawn jockeys, and nowadays a movie or television show is remarkable only if it doesn't feature a gay character. Many, although certainly not all, of our most pressing items on the Agenda have actually been achieved, and that has left a great deal of time for us to once again concern ourselves with the trivial. The framework for the upcoming meeting in January is largely concerned with exactly how long this whole beard thing is going to be allowed to continue.
Which brings me back to the "gay card". This year, before the big meeting in January, we are all required to renew our cards. Never before in history have we had to concern ourselves with people who are not actually gay, who for some reason want to apply for a card. Who would want to join a group whose membership meant discrimination, derision, and possibly execution? It is a sign of how far we've come that some imposters now see membership as a ticket to beautiful women, great parties and even political clout. So, in an effort to weed out poseurs, for the first time, this year's official Gay Card Renewal Application will include three questions which must be answered correctly, much like the Bridge Keeper in Monty Python's "Holy Grail". Here they are, along with the acceptable responses, according to documents found on WikiLeaks:
1) What is the gayest song ever released?
(A: "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls)
2) Who made the better Auntie Mame: Lucille Ball or Rosalind Russell?
(A: Anyone who answers "Lucille Ball" is automatically banned for life)
3) Have you slept with Michele Bachmann's husband?
(A: I would rather eat glass.)
See you all in January.
