Q&A

Troubled in Tribeca wonders: Why is the sky blue?
Dear Troubled: Well, this is certainly a tough question. One might even argue that it is a question without an answer. The question itself has become synonymous with futile curiosity. For example, you may ask something like, “Why do I always choose the wrong line at the bank?”, or “Why are the crazy people always drawn to me on the subway?”, and someone could answer you, “You might as well ask why the sky is blue!”, meaning you can ask all you like but you’ll probably never get a good answer.
Secondly, I’m not really even convinced that the sky even is blue in the first place. Half the time, it’s black, in my experience. And here on Cape Cod, it’s either grey or a kind of washed-out white from March until late May. You never heard anyone saying, “Blue skies at night, sailors’ delight”, did you? So, Troubled, I think you need to go back and re-think your question.
For now, I will give you the answer given by mothers to their young children who have asked this very question down though the ages:
Go ask your father.

Glamorpuss from Grant’s Pass writes: What causes El Niño?
Dear Glamorpuss: Let me see, how shall I put this in a way that you can understand?
Sometimes, when El Padre and La Madre love one another very much, they kiss and they lie down on top of one another. El Padre plants a very special seed inside La Madre, and a few months later, Olé! El Niño!
Go ask your father.

Twilo in Manhattan asks: Why are some people "cat people" and some are "dog people"? Very few are both.
Dear Twilo: It is disappointing that I will not be able to provide you with a romantic, mystical answer to your question, such as “It depends on whether you are an Earth or a Fire sign,” or, “Cat people are more likely to have been a nurturer in a former life.” But like almost everything these days, it has come down to a matter of simple genetics. Scientists at the Jeffs County Academy of Genetics and Hotel Management in Utah have isolated a sequence in the human genome dedicated to all the little “A” or “B” choices which define and divide us as human beings. The gene for “Cat Person” or “Dog Person” (which has a recessive gene for “Cat&Dog” or “Bird/Reptile”) is located right between “Toilet Paper Over/Under the Roll” and “Window Seat/Aisle Seat”. 

Back in Town asks me: What do you really want to be asked?
Dear Back: “Will you be taking this all in one lump sum, Mr. Halley?”

Perplexed in P’town writes: Why does the view of Provincetown look magnified from the highway just before beach point and other times it doesn't?
Dear Perplexed: I must confess I was stumped by your question. In all the years I have lived in Provincetown, I never noticed the phenomenon which you mentioned. So, I made a call to my learned friend, Dr. Jeff Spiccoli at the Awesome Righteous Cannabis Dispensary in Burnhaut, Colorado. Dr. Jeff advised me that certain strains, such as Wahican and Golden Skunkweed can cause mild changes to visual perception, versus less potent types such as Lumbo or Homegrown from that guy in Wellfleet. This could account for the so-called “magnified view” of Provincetown which you mention. Awesome.
Just remember, no texting while driving!
　

Candy asks: How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll?
Dear Candy: Anyone who was alive in 1970 knows the answer to that question.
Three.