Dear Cape- My first reaction was, “Why the hell would anyone ask a question like that?” Then, the right side of my brain kicked in with its own question: Has it been established that men pee in the shower? I mean, unless you’ve been asking around, perhaps you are the only person who pees in the shower at all.
Nevertheless, in my effort to answer each and every question posed to me, no matter how absurd, obtuse, or distasteful (well, if not “answer” every question, at least “reply” to every question), I shall attempt a reply to this one.
First of all, this is a subject on which I am singularly unqualified. My mother was the only female with whom I have shared living quarters in my entire life, for one thing. I never even saw my mother naked, for heaven’s sake, much less asked her whether or not she peed in the shower. Even if I did live with women, even if it was just me in a whole houseful of women, I doubt that I would have ever found a way to introduce the topic into a conversation. Unless maybe it was like 3am and everyone was really buzzed on Zima and playing Truth or Dare in the rumpus room.
However, my female friends on Facebook have assured me that women do, indeed, pee in the shower. At least some of them.
Upon further consideration, though, it seems to me that it would actually be more remarkable if someone actually did not pee in the shower. Ponder this: Classic comedian Buddy Hackett had a line which went like this, “He’s the sort of guy who steps out of the shower to take a leak.”
Food for thought.
Uncle Fuzzy writes: Why do men exaggerate?
Dear Fuzz- First of all, let me say that this was absolutely the most interesting and the very very hardest question that anyone has ever asked me, ever ever ever. I thought about it for like a million years, and it consumed me so much that I could not think about anything else at all the whole entire time.
However, after all that contemplation, I could not find even one tiny, miniscule shred of evidence that men exaggerate at all. Well, maybe one out of 200 million men might exaggerate a little bit about his enormous income or how miserable his head cold is, but other than that, I don’t know any guys at all who exaggerate. But thank you so much for asking, I really appreciate it, more than anything else in the whole entire world.
Kurious in Killeen writes: What do you dream?
Dear Kurious- First of all, I recognized you right away as the same writer who asked the question “Why?” a couple of months ago. I am beginning to learn that you like to ask the very difficult, extremely profound questions. None of these questions like, “What is your favorite brand of jarred spaghetti sauce?” or, “Coke or Pepsi?” You want to get the biggest bang for your question-asking buck, so to speak.
Of course, your question itself could have many different meanings. I noticed that you did not ask “What do you dream of?” or “What do you dream about?”, but simply, “What do you dream?” So, it makes me think that it’s not so much about the nightly visions we all share, the nonsensical stories we weave for ourselves out of disjointed images of the day’s events, beautiful bodies and gorillas playing saxophones, but more about the bigger dreams, about a life well-lived and the world around us.
I still allow myself the larks: the dreams that the Prize Patrol will come knocking on my door one day with a whole bunch of roses and a gigantic check made out to me for twenty million dollars. But I also dream about what is much more likely: of being able to grow old and live in a comfortable home with my husband without having to worry about money. I dream about that one all the time.
I dream that one day, someone will stumble across my blog and offer me a contract.
I have a very real dream right now of walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. It is an 800km (about 500 miles) journey from the French Pyrenees to Santiago, Spain. I am planning to walk it in 2018, have felt called to walk it, actually. I think about it quite often, but don’t really discuss it much with others. 2018 is a long way off and most people really don’t get it, anyway. But I dream about it.
I want to say, as well, that many of the big dreams I had when I was younger have actually come true, which is pretty awesome. I have found True Love, which I always believed in. I live in my own home and it even has a white picket fence. I have seen the world (although there’s a lot left to see.) So, my list of Big Dreams seems to be dwindling. I think that’s a good thing.
The Good Husband asks: What is love?
Dear Husband- I see that this is the week for unanswerable questions.
Of course, my very first thought upon reading your question is the 1993 hit by Haddaway, “What is Love (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)”. Thank you very much, now I’ll never get that song out of my head.
For this question, I believe it is our language itself which falls short. Love is so many different things, it is nearly incalculable. The Eskimos have like a hundred words for snow, tribal cultures in Africa have fifty ways to say “that sand is fucking hot”, and yet we only have one word for love.
The problem is that the word has become cheap. How can you say that love is what happened when you looked at your baby daughter’s face for the very first time, and then turn around and say, “I love “Duck Dynasty”!”
People can spend their whole lives on a quest for Love, and yet they claim that they “love that new Geico commercial”. The word seems to have lost its value.
So, my friend, I am afraid I cannot really answer your question. I do suspect, however, that whatever you give away, in terms of love, pretty much determines what you will receive.
For now, let’s groove!
Kapa’a Mama writes: Have you read the new Pratchett book yet? Seen any good movies lately?
Aloha Mama- It certainly is refreshing to get a good old, down-to-earth, plain, honest question for a change. The sort of question that friends might ask one another over a Fribble and a SuperMelt at Friendly’s. And a two-for-one, at that! The downside is that the answer to both of those questions is ‘no’. Cue pregnant silence and a slurp of your Fribble.
I am currently on my local library’s waiting list for “Raising Steam”, which is the new Discworld novel. Apparently, this one entails the introduction of the first steam engine to the great city of Ankh-Morpork. Could be interesting. The last Pratchett book I read was “Dodger”, which wasn’t a Discworld novel but Sir Terry’s spin on Dickens and Victorian London. It was good: classic Pratchett.
I should take this opportunity to proselytize a bit for Sir Terry Pratchett and the Discworld books. Certainly one of my favorite, if not my favorite, authors of all time, Sir Terry has a huge following in the UK, but unfortunately hasn’t “raised much steam” here in America (see what I did there?). He has written and co-written dozens of books; the new release marking #39 or 40 in the Discworld series alone.
It is impossible to categorize or classify the Discworld books. Fantasy, certainly, but it’s not all Sorcerers and Faeries. Literary satire (“Eric” is a carefully crafted send-up of “Faust”), hilarious social satire, to be sure. It is as if he has held a mirror up to our society- a carnival fun-house mirror, that is.
This is what I would recommend. Go to your library, or B&N, or wherever you download your so-called “E-books”, and do a search for “Discworld”. Scan the list of titles. Pick a title that looks good to you. Do not read a description, do not read the flaps or anything else. Simply start reading on page 1. Within 50 pages you will be hooked, and most likely laughing out loud to yourself on the bus so that people are looking at you funny and sort of moving away. The Discworld books can be read in any order, but the themes tend to become more complex as they come out.
For my fellow fans, here are my thoughts:
First book read: “The Truth” - hooked by page 3
Favorite book(s): a tie between “Carpe Jugulum” and “Thief of Time”
Favorite character(s): Gaspode the talking dog, and any of the Igors
Favorite “series”: the witches
(would love to hear from you on your list…)
AS for the movies, I haven’t really seen anything remarkable in a long time. I’ve seen some decent movies, sure; at least it’s better than television and worth $1.25 at the Red Box. But I haven’t been really blown away since I saw “Cloud Atlas”, and that was months and months ago.
The last four movies which really blew me away, and all for different reasons, were “Cloud Atlas”, “Life of Pi”, “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”, and “The Way”.
Windsor Wife wonders: Where did the term "not one red cent" originate from?
Dear Wife- The difficulty here is not in answering your question. The difficulty is in making the answer even vaguely entertaining. I don’t think it can be done. I thought about making something up, but I couldn’t come up with anything. I thought about answering your question in the form of a story, which I sometimes do. But the story would have to involve hoop dresses and old money and possibly the burning of Atlanta, and I don’t think I have the time or patience for an undertaking like that today. So, I suppose my only option is to simply answer the question.
Back when pennies were made from pure copper, they had a much redder hue than pennies today do, particularly after having been circulated for a while and handled a bit. This was long before ordinary people got involved in stocks, bonds, derivatives, mortgages, 401(k)s, and all the other financial instruments which have turned money today into little more than a shell game, so the closest thing most people had to “worthless money” was a penny. So, to say that something was not worth “a red cent” was to say that it was worth so little as to be worthless.
It pains me to write such a boring response.
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