Q&A

Singin’ in San Diego asks: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Dear Singin’: Okay, okay, I see what you did there. That’s what they call good old “double entendre”, defined as “a remark that is ambiguous and often suggestive”. This is the very same method often used by fancy lawyers to trip up witnesses or defendants in court, by reporters interviewing politicians on TV news shows, or by late-night talk show hosts on pretty but dim-witted starlets. So, in order to foil your attempt to trip me up, I will answer your question on all its levels.
No.
1) “would you hold it against me?” meaning: “would it piss you off?”
No! Why would someone telling me I have a beautiful body piss me off? The only person who has uttered anything even close to that in the past ten years is my husband, and that was back in 2009, when he said something like, “I had a dream last night that you had a body like that guy Wolverine in that movie.”
2) “would you hold it against me?” meaning: “would you press your hot Wolverine body up against mine?”
No. In the first place, I am married, and that gives me automatic right of refusal to hold my body up against anyone. In the second place, your signature leads me to believe that you are out in San Diego. I, as you must know, am way across the country in Cape Cod. You can compliment my beautiful body all you like, but it will take more than that to get me on a plane out west just for a little cuddle.
To be fair, there is always an exception. I would, indeed, hold my body against you if you were my beautiful blond cousin from California, and we were dancing at a wedding; or if we were in a honky-tonk bar in Laredo, with sawdust on the floor and peanuts on the bar, and a great song by the Bellamy brothers came on the jukebox. We would have to dance.

Hungry from south of Harwich wonders: Does glow in the dark food glow in your stomach?
Dear Hungry: Well, the first thing that comes to mind when I read your question was “who the hell ever heard of glow in the dark food?”. Wherever you are dining out or buying your groceries, I suggest that you make other arrangements, as quickly as possible.
But, assuming that there actually is such a thing as glow in the dark food, and assuming that you have been able to consume it without any ill effects, I am forced to consider whether it would actually glow in your stomach. At this point, the question becomes rather like the one about the tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it. But, every time I allowed myself to contemplate it, all I could see in my mind was a bunch of glowing bits of lunch or dinner bouncing around in your stomach, like glow-sticks at some kind of Digestive Tract Rave. It was all just too disturbing.
So, in a last-ditch effort to leave no stone unturned in seeking an answer to a question, I turned to one much wiser than myself for help: The Magic 8-Ball.
Here is your answer:
Reply Hazy Try Again

Curious on Conwell writes: Why did that old woman throw her purse at you?
Dear Curious: Now, what we have here is a classic case of jumping to conclusions, as you did not have enough of the facts to realize exactly what was going on.
The “old woman” is actually my maiden aunt, Aunt Frigidia. She was not throwing her purse at me, she was throwing her purse to me. And her “purse” was not a purse, but actually one of those velvet bags from an old Crown Royal bottle, which contained an old bowling trophy which we were pretending was a fertility idol.
What you failed to notice was that I was on a unicyle, and Aunt Frigidia was riding a Vespa, and the entire thing was being filmed by my 12 year-old nephew Colin, who was standing across the street with a camcorder. We were making an audition tape for the upcoming season of “The Amazing Race”.
So, I hope you see now how you should have all the facts before you draw any conclusions. I hope this satisfies your curiosity.

Homo in Harlem wonders: When did you first know that you were gay?
Dear Homo: This was a very serious question and gave me great reason for introspection. When, indeed?
It’s hard to say when I “knew” I was gay. In my worldview, that would be like “knowing” that you’re right-handed, or that you don’t like reading Anne Rice novels. You don’t really “know” it, that’s just sort of the way it is. Everyone else seemed to know I was gay long before I even knew what gay was, because they were calling me “faggot” starting in the first grade. And if my parents didn’t realize I was gay when I started hanging pictures of Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy with his shirt off up on my bedroom wall, then maybe they weren’t as bright as I give them credit for. At that point, though, I didn’t even realize or “know” that I was gay, I just thought I really, really liked the Partridge family.
There was an “a-ha” moment, though, when it all became clear to me, and maybe even got a name. I was somewhere between 10 and 12 years old, which would have made it the early ‘70s. I came across an article in one of my mother’s issues of “Cosmopolitan”. It’s hard to think of my mom as a “Cosmo Girl”, but there it is. Anyway, it was an exposé of sorts, with a title like “The Secret World of the Homos” or something like that. It was full of all kinds of sordid, tawdry details which I found absolutely delightful. At least I never had to be one of those poor kids who actually thinks that they are the only person in the world who has these feelings.
Anyway, after that, it was just a matter of the usual phases, in denial, out of denial, I’m gay, I’m not gay, I’m bi, all that nonsense, until I finally “came out” for good around age 17.

Furloughed in Falmouth writes: What are the house republicans thinking?
Dear Furloughed: You may remember a question, not long ago, about Duke the cat. I enlisted the services of Madame DeVille, Pet Psychic, in order to answer it. After reading your question, I called Madame DeVille, and I asked her if she could recommend a psychic who could read the minds of an entire Capitol building full of politicians. She referred me to one Madam Krakpotski.
I sat with Madam Krakpotski for over an hour as she read the minds of members of Congress on both sides of the aisle. She sounded as if someone were constantly turning the dial on an FM radio as she channeled their thoughts, her psychic powers jumping from one mind to the next. Here is just a tiny sample of what I heard:
“Did I leave the iron on?”
“Oh my god, who just farted?”.”
“Holy shit, did I just sext my mother-in-law?”
“How long until lunch? I hope they have the pastrami again. I like the pastrami.”
“Look how pretty the floor is in here.”
“Holy crap, is Boehner crying again?”
“                       “
“Where’s Jerry? He’ll know if there’s pastrami today.”
And on and on. 435 representatives and 100 senators, and not a single thought worth having in the entire bunch.

Scared Witless writes: How the #%&+ am I going to PAY for college?
Dear Witless: It is alarming to note that a four year college education can cost the average American family upwards of $200,000. That means that even if your child gets a job immediately upon graduating, at a modest starting salary of $20-$30,000 per year, and even if they put every single cent they earned towards paying for their education, they could be working for more than ten years without even being able to buy you a Mother’s day card. Kids today should start investing heavily into very aggressive money market accounts and derivative funds at age 6 to 10 in order to have enough money saved to pay for one of their future children’s college education.
So, when it comes to paying for college, it would seem that the parent today must really learn to think out of the box. Here are some suggestions you may not have considered.
Game Shows - if you and your family go on “Family Feud”, for instance, and win Fast Money every day for five days, you will have half of a college education paid for, plus a brand new car for your kid to drive to college in!
Win a Nobel Prize - current winners are awarded nearly 1.5 million dollars. That will pay for college plus a nice new home in the Caymans.
Start a Ponzi Scheme - it worked for Bernie Madoff for decades. You only have to get away with it for four years.
Extreme Couponing - if you can hoard enough food that you can survive for four years on dried pasta and club-sized containers of soup and jarred pepperoncini, you might be able to save enough at the grocery store to offset the cost of higher education.
These are just a handful of ideas. I’m sure there are many other ideas like these, which are all just as helpful. I hope this has put you in the right mindset of “thinking outside the box”, and I’m certain you will find a way to finance your child’s future.

High in Low Country asks: How much is that doggie in the window?
Hear High in Low: Well, sir, that particular “doggie” is a 19^th century Staffordshire dog figurine, fully marked, in beautiful condition and rare because of the green color of the collar. If it were a pair, they would be worth $650 - $700, but since it is missing its mate, I’m asking $300 for it.

Contemplative on the Cape writes: If you were another person, who you know intimately, who would you like to be?
Dear Cape: Wow, another thought-provoking question.
At first, I approached it from a place of envy. Was there anyone whose life I would want over my own? Anyone who lives in a castle with a 24 karat toilet and a trampoline? No. Most people who I know intimately are pretty much in the same boat as I am: a slave to the time clock and just happy to get a week at the shore once a year.
So, then I approached the question from a place of admiration. If I’m going to be someone other than myself, I might as well be someone that I admire. Looking at it this way, I would have to answer: my brother.
Now, my brother certainly doesn’t have a gold-plated toilet or a trampoline. In fact, there are aspects of my brother’s life which I wouldn’t trade with him for all the onion soup in Paris. But, the person my brother has become, the person he is, now, is certainly someone I wouldn’t mind being.
Hope I didn’t embarrass anyone.